It hurts as I write this. I feel some part of me has been torn out of me for ever. Can I ever be normal again? I wonder. I think. I am not sure. I dont have an answer for it. I try so hard to conceal my tears and hold them back to where they do not belong. It feels like there is a lump of pain stuck in my throat. I cant swallow it, no matter how much water I drink. I cant bring it out, no matter how hard I try. It would have been so good if life had not done this to me. I feel life is not fair, but I am not sure if its fair to complain? I am not sure, when I am going to be myself again. When I will feel I can put this behind and move on.
Its been 40 + days. He is not been around. He has left this place once and forever. His memories haunt me. The small things he has done for me, come back to my mind. The way he used to sit, talk and walk, everything runs as a motion picture in front of my eyes. The days I have upset him comes lashing back to tease me. When I see my daughter piggyback on my husband, I remember and miss those days I was being carried around like that. He has carried me around that way even when I was in my 10th standard. I used to sleep on his lap while we watched movies and I used to comment and he used to smile and nod. Often they were due to silly remarks from me. We both had decided to buy a diamond crown for the richest lord Venkateshwara. I never thought it was impossible when I told that. The thought of his smile and little jokes now brings tears in my eyes. He was a man of temper, I feared him the most. I have been angry and upset with him many a days. But, now there is no reason for any of it. For he has left me, to never be angry with him ever again. There are so many unfulfilled dreams. There were so many moments yet to be lived with him. Now, its impossible. I wish to turn back a few years of life and change it all. But, I know that is not possible.
I remember the days when he was very sick. When once in the last days, he hugged me and said he is not able to bear it any more, I cant explain what I have been through. Strange is this life. Weird is this situation what I am going through. Not many can relate to this pain too. I feel the world is very cruel sometimes, but is this God's way of bringing us back to normal? I am not sure. Do I miss him?? How should I answer this question? I am not sure. I dont have anybody whom I can run to as Dad. I have lost him forever. I miss Dad. I miss him badly.
P.S: I had promised I would not write anything negative in my blog. But this post goes against it. Please excuse me for that.
Its been 40 + days. He is not been around. He has left this place once and forever. His memories haunt me. The small things he has done for me, come back to my mind. The way he used to sit, talk and walk, everything runs as a motion picture in front of my eyes. The days I have upset him comes lashing back to tease me. When I see my daughter piggyback on my husband, I remember and miss those days I was being carried around like that. He has carried me around that way even when I was in my 10th standard. I used to sleep on his lap while we watched movies and I used to comment and he used to smile and nod. Often they were due to silly remarks from me. We both had decided to buy a diamond crown for the richest lord Venkateshwara. I never thought it was impossible when I told that. The thought of his smile and little jokes now brings tears in my eyes. He was a man of temper, I feared him the most. I have been angry and upset with him many a days. But, now there is no reason for any of it. For he has left me, to never be angry with him ever again. There are so many unfulfilled dreams. There were so many moments yet to be lived with him. Now, its impossible. I wish to turn back a few years of life and change it all. But, I know that is not possible.
I remember the days when he was very sick. When once in the last days, he hugged me and said he is not able to bear it any more, I cant explain what I have been through. Strange is this life. Weird is this situation what I am going through. Not many can relate to this pain too. I feel the world is very cruel sometimes, but is this God's way of bringing us back to normal? I am not sure. Do I miss him?? How should I answer this question? I am not sure. I dont have anybody whom I can run to as Dad. I have lost him forever. I miss Dad. I miss him badly.
P.S: I had promised I would not write anything negative in my blog. But this post goes against it. Please excuse me for that.
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