Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Running is all that matters

Today was one of the frustrating days at work. I am stuck with the same old thought of what the hell on earth am I doing here? Do I love this job? Was I meant to do just this, stare at a stupid  monitor all my life and fix some bugs in the software code. I know I am not born to do just this. But I am not able to think of other things I could probably do, to make my otherwise mundane life interesting. I write, but I cant write to make a profession out of it. I dont think I am there yet. I sing, but only in the constraints of the house (a little more than the bathroom), I appreciate painting, but cant get a single stroke straight, I can sketch, but not a pro there too. I am not a great cook, creative but not so creative. Yes, I understand I am a bit of everything and a bit of nothing. A completely confused desi girl. I am wondering what I could pursue, to make an alternative career. But I just end up thinking, thinking and thinking.

While I was thinking hard about this an idea struck me. It was about asking my husband to travel abroad and find himself a job there, so that I can quit my job and go along with him. I was telling him to try abroad seriously. Just after I told him, a series of questions were popping up in my mind. I have no answers to any of them. They are plain thoughts captured here.

There are so many memories that surround the place we are born and brought up, the school we studied, the locality we lived in and so many simple things. Simple things are what make us most happy. That reminds me of a beautiful saying "It is so simple to be happy, but difficult to be simple". It could be the Pani puri shop that we regularly visited or the theatre we often freaked out to. These are the small things that have made us happy once upon a time. The very thought about these things, light up our mood and bring a smile to our face. But, with a decision to leave our country, we would leave behind all these places. With the progressive growth rate in every city, God knows how the place will turn out to be in a year (let alone when people come back in years). So, may be its not a strong enough reason to stop anybody from going.

Another fun part is festivals, going to a temple just whenever you feel like and attending functions (marriage, engagement, etc etc). I am not sure if anybody misses these things much, while they are abroad. People who are abroad may form a group or community and celebrate festivals together. They may be attending functions of the new friends there. And may be cross community friends makes their life more interesting (not sure, so I am unable to comment).

How do people leave their parents, sibblings and just go away to a far off place, just like that? Some people settle there to never return again. How can such a tough decision be made? So many people are married to a NRI who has settled abroad. They have to leave behind all their people, just to be married. They have grown up with their sisters and brothers. How can one relationship become so important in life, that we just leave all the others for good? I have my own sisters who have settled abroad and I wonder how they could make that decision. I am sorry to ask but I is there a bit much of selfishness about their lives and their happiness? I am not sure. I am not talking with any gender bias here, for it must be as difficult for the men to leave behind their family as it is for a women.

I cant imagine not seeing my mother for a long time (yes, I know webcam and all that technology exists but still you could not hug and kiss the real person on the webcam). May be there are options to make them travel. In the long run, when they grow old and when we have to be there for them, how can we make them travel? We have dependent visas, tourist visas but I have not heard of any old-parents-no-longer-able-to-take-care-of-themselves visa. The country is happy to take us in, for they are convinced that we will generate money for their economy. But they do not want our parents to tag along, who made us who we are. Afterall, why should they be concerned about our parents and other relationships when all that we care is about our comforts? Who will care about them, when we dont have the time to sit and think through these issues? All that we are concerned about is Me, My spouse and my children. Parents become an excess baggage after some point of time for most of us (I am not generalising here, please pardon, no offense intended).

However, why do we want to go abroad and settle there? Is it for more money, a greater lifestyle, to enjoy the luxuries of a more developed country? When we have all the money in the world and turn back to see nobody is there besides us to spend that money on, what do we do with that money? How much money do we really need to be happy? We want a big house, a big car, some bank balance, some pension plans, some money stashed up for our old age and some money to get our kids educated and see them settled. Do we stop at this? Does our wish list ever end?

They say "Participating is important than Winning". At the end of the mad race that we are all running, I am not sure if one is even going to feel satisfied that we ever ran this race? In all the running, we perhaps forgot the important point. Its not about running, its about how we run?

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Pain....... feeling it


Pain can never be expressed,
nor can it be felt by others.
It’s something I can’t talk about,
Words make it less hurting.
Loneliness and depression
come hand in hand with it
bringing along tears in the eyes,
and a sharp sting in the heart.
Losing a loved one or missing one,
Being betrayed or hurting someone.
The reasons being so different,
evoke the same pain at heart.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Assorted thoughts

*      No matter how many times I read Ramayana and Mahabharata, I find it interesting to read a newer version of it. It is retold by so many authors. It’s interesting to see how the same EPIC is interpreted so differently. How great is the story that it keeps us engaged although we know what is going to happen. I never get bored of these two EPICs. Now I am reading a version "Prince of Ayodhya" by Ashok.K.Banker. I am just waiting to go back and lay my hands on that book.
*      Such a beautiful sunrise today. Early mornings are such a pleasure; the crimson red sky and the light breeze refreshing the dull sleepy mind. I thought I would go back to sleep when I got up, but the beauty of the morning forbade me from wasting my time sleeping. It refreshed me so much that I was all charged up to do my house chores.
*      Festivals are fun. How would life be without festivals? Yesterday it was Tulsi Puja. I did not find time to do an elaborate puja. Just a small rangoli, few lamps and a small puja, was so soothing to my senses. Definitely the festivals were created with a purpose. It was to fill in positivity to the soul.
*      I want to lead a more disciplined life. I want to do yoga every day. Want to read the newspaper every day. But I don’t find time. No I am not making excuses. I have improved a lot after becoming a mother. But still, I have to go a long way in time management I believe.
*      I am feeling very bad for mom somewhere in the depth of my heart. I want to do something for her. I am not sure what.  I want to see her happy.
*      No matter how much I tell myself to work and not expect anything in return, when it comes to practicing it, I fail. I fail miserably. When I have toiled hard and somebody snatches away all the credit, I still cannot handle it. I feel very depressed and take some time to come out of it. I hate such personalities, who live on other people’s hard work. According to me, they are the worst lot of the mankind and are very tough to deal with.
Just after writing this post, I see the words that are bold in the above points. The good and nice outweigh the bad and sad bolds. That is a good enough reason for me to be happy today. Don’t you think so?
No matter what confronts you today, be happy. Spread the disease of happiness around. I accidently hit this site and found it beautiful. I can’t relate more to it.