Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Guilt Pangs of a Working Mother
Today morning was slightly a different morning for me. My husband went early to work as he had some teleconference with his client this morning. I was getting ready and my princess was still asleep. While I was doing my household chores, she got up. She usually calls me from where she is sleeping, while I am busy running like mad, cooking, packing and cleaning. Today was no different; she called me "amma". I dropped whatever I was doing, went to see her, wished her a good morning, pulled her out of the bed, gave her a hug and took her to show her GOD (That is the first thing we do, every day morning. A general practice taught early in life). After all the "Namaste’s" and brushing, I gave her, her morning dose of energy drink, a glass a Junior Horlicks. She drank it peacefully.
I am trying to potty train her. So, I asked to her finish her morning due. She refused. I forced her, but she was not in a mood to go. Then she went to lie down on the small carpet in our living room. While I was busy decorating the GOD's photos with flowers in the puja room, she pee'ed on the carpet and started calling me, informing me of the same thing. I got pretty upset that despite asking her to go, she refused and now she had it done all on the carpet. I scolded her (I feel sorry for it now, no I am not joking). I asked her, how many times I had told her to use the bathroom and she did not and how she was a bad girl (now I am guilty for what I did.. :( ). I was getting late to work and that frustration was getting dumped on the little child. I hate myself for that act, I seriously do. I could see it that she was visibly upset. She picked up her chintu (her favorite doll) and went into the bedroom and stood there quietly. She picked up zandu balm and opened it and took a little in her fingers. I luckily saw that and scolded her yet again, to not touch it again. I came out after snatching the zandu balm from her. It was my mistake to have left it there the previous night. But she had to get those scolding’s for the curiosity she had. She was looking at me like what is wrong with you, early in the morning mom? Why are you yelling at me, for everything I do? Now I feel so bad and guilty for having scolded her, as I sit here far away from her and type on this screen.
I gave her a bath and let her watch Oswald on TV, while I was busy finishing the last bits and pieces to get to work. She quietly sat and watched and when I was all done, I went to the room to get my dupatta. As soon as I emerged out with it, she got down from the bean bag and pulled out her slippers and started wearing it. She knew I am supposed to leave to work and she had to go to her day care. I felt so much pained and guilty that I had to leave her and go to office. I was also feeling guilty of having scolded her. Without my knowledge, tears started rolling out of my eyes. I did not want to leave her in day care, but I have no much choice. Or rather, I am afraid to quit my job and sit at home. I am not sure of it at least now. I can’t make that choice. I don’t want to justify me working but I sometimes feel why am I in a situation where I have to choose between two things I like most? I like to work, I love my daughter. But why can’t they co-exist? Why should I compromise on one, to get one?? I have no answer. I am sure many working mothers don’t have an answer.She saw me crying and she came up to me and gave me a hug. She asked me not to cry. I picked her; she tried to wipe a drop of tear (it was stuck to my eye, not sure of whether it had to roll down in front of her or not) putting her little finger into the space between my spectacles and my eyes. I told her I won’t cry and picked her, kissed her and tried moving on with my life, our lives.